Christina Lampkin
Emotional Numbness
Emotional Numbness… What is it?
Well according to google the first definition that I found was “Emotional numbness is typically an unconscious protective response to feeling difficult emotions, whether due to anxiety, stress, or trauma.
Another definition I found was “In general, people describe emotional numbness as feeling empty or dead inside, not caring about anything, and feeling disconnected from oneself and from the people around you”
What It Means When You’re Feeling Emotionally Numb | Newport Institute
Can I ask you what do you think causes emotional numbness? I’m seriously curious to know. I for one believe it can be many different things. God just recently protected me from going into a stage of emotional numbness. So, that’s why I feel it on my heart to talk about.
I think the first time I experience emotionally numbness was when I had to leave school. I had got accepted into the surgical tech program at PRCC and was almost done with the summer semester. It was at the moment I had to deal with a serious family situation and decided to leave school to get a full-time job. You guys, the crazy part about it is, I couldn’t even find work until the program was almost finished. (TAKE note of this) I’m going to get really personal right now. I remember having a severe emotional breakdown in my closet, contemplating life, after getting on Facebook and seeing pictures of my class getting pinned. That whole season had made me very cold hearted, and it took a while to get out of that state of mind. I remember being very protective of all of my emotions even the happy ones because I felt like anything would send me over, so I went into hiding.
Another time I've dealt with emotional numbness was right after I had my second child. I had sereve postpartum depression. I remember the night it hit the hardest. I just watched her scream in her bassinet just praying that someone or anyone would come get her. I remember when my mom finally stepped in because she saw what was going on. I remember not wanting to hold her, or even look at her and not even knowing why I felt that way, but the strange part is I felt that it was okay. In my mind postpartum was a normal thing that “moms” “only moms” dealt with. Hoping that it would eventually past which it did. I remember thinking I have always loved kids so why is this happening to me now? Why my child, and why do I feel so alone?
For a while I thought I was done having kids. I have been seriously raising kids since I was in elementary school. I would have to stay home and watch my niece because my mom was sick, and my dad had to work. Honestly, I was just exhausted. But God recently downloaded a word in me. I will start off by saying I’ve been on a spiritual journey for a while now and last month I was baptized. I had heard that baptism enhances your closeness with God in some ways, but now I’m 100% sure it does.
While I was in my sacred place, I was telling Him that I felt like I was under attack by the enemy and felt like I just needed to shut down and not feel anything just to protect my heart and my mind from anything else (emotional numbness, right?) and that’s when He told me that the enemy is going to attack what he sees as a threat the hardest. I know most of us have heard this right. But He made me see it through different lenses.
So, circling back to school. I left to get a full time job to take care of me and my two nieces, but I didn’t end of getting a good job until the end of November, and the program ended at the beginning of December I believe. I left school in July. So, from July to November, He made a way!! Why couldn’t I have just finished school? Because the enemy put it in my mind that I couldn’t finish. He made every situation around me look as if leaving school was the only option I had. Also because I didn’t have the relationship, I have with God now I believed his lies and fell into a depression that made me ineffective and dimmed my light.
When I get home everyday, I’m constantly yelling at my girls. I get frustrated with them wanting just a minute to myself. I wake up super early and by the time I get to them I’m usually pretty tired. Well how is that fair to them? Honestly why aren’t they getting more of my attention when it’s their love that drives me. It’s their love that’s making me finally finish school and work as hard as I do. But the enemy saw this frustration and went right to action! But remember he uses what he sees as the biggest threat. When I tell you that I am raising some superwomen, and they will not have to struggle ("or get it out of the mud") like I have. They will be part of a legacy. They won't have to figure things out on their own, they will have a mother that is well rounded and ready to help them take on the world! It has honestly made my heart soften to the possibility of having more kids, after I thought I was done. He has had the words fruitful and multiply, on me really hard. I started seeing and hearing this everywhere. He’s going to have to make sure my God ordained husband has aloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot of patience because I have 0 (lol just kidding, but not really). We also all know that fruitful and multiply can mean in any area in our life. So I'm excited to see what areas in my life He's looking to make fruitful and multiply. I just know in this season I am being, or trying to be obedient and if the enemy is attacking me in this area there has to be something else to it.
I’ve heard people say “The enemy is clever” but I don’t think that is true. I think the enemy is nosey and is always lurking. So, he uses what he sees against us. It is the Lord who is really clever (this we already knew, right) Because it is He that uses even those things the enemy attacks us with for good and that is powerful… So, I find some truth when people say “act as if it is already done or like you already have it” because if the enemy doesn’t see a reactant how can he react?
Are you feeling unworthy because of a lost relationship or because you’re not where you want to be in life? Look at your particular situation, shut out all the noise. Go to God and ask Him could this be the enemy attacking your worth because he knows the things the Lord is preparing you for, because he knows the things the Lord has equipped you with, he knows the purpose you’re walking in, and he knows what you’re ordained for. To shut you down would bring glory to his kingdom (which is the wrong kingdom you want to bring glory to.) Go to God and ask Him to show you the enemy tricks and how to handle them accordingly. Because once I asked Him to show me how to defend myself against the enemy and the warfare that was surrounding me, He did one better and stepped in the ring with me.
So, remember!!!
- You are already equipped with EVERYTHING you need to be who He ordained you to be. IF you feel like you have to change yourself to fit into anybody’s world or lifestyle or life in general, they are not the person for you. You will never have to change yourself (because He created you in His image so in that reality you are exactly who you need to be) to fit into where you belong.
- Take EVERYTHING to Him first with EXPECTANCES of His guidance, and He will provide.
- (Something I personally recommend) Keep a spiritual journey. I started one about a year ago and let me tell you guys, He absolutely blows my mind!! He puts a date on my mind and it will be a random date or a set of numbers and I look back at those dates or just turn to those exact numbers and when I read what He had me go back to….. I’m telling you “MIND BLOWN” so keep a spiritual journal or just a journal in general to track your feelings and where your mind frame is at that moment in life, and just see what He does with it.
- Faith of a mustard seed… Something to ponder on… "For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20-21).
Something that always pondered me was “faith as a mustard seed” I always thought well I know I have a little bit of faith, and surely, it’s bigger than a mustard seed, but it still isn’t moving these mountain/mountains. In the moment a still voice told me, Christina, when have I not moved a mountain for you? Even when you have doubted me. My timeline is not your timeline, and My ways are not your ways! Just because your eyes don’t see the mountain physically moving doesn’t mean the earth underneath it wasn’t physically shaken up the moment you asked for such. So, the moment we asked for such in prayer, if it is in His will, the action has already been set in motion. And if it is not in His will something He told me a while back is that “My no/no’s are JUST as good as My yes! There’s protection behind a no, there’s better behind the no, there’s so much grace behind the no’s because He has seen the things we haven’t and been in the rooms where we haven’t, TRUST His no’s. And in the wait, there’s preparation, there’s development, and we learn that oh so important skill of patience that I’m still working on like I mentioned earlier. So ultimately having faith the size of a mustard seed does moves mountains and in seeing Him move those mountains our faith is grown… Don’t get your timeline mixed up with his ability. Something someone said that I love is “Don’t put Him in a box, He is the box!” But that’s another blog for another day. I hope whoever this was for received it and takes it back to God!
If you like Christian music here are some songs that I like maybe you will like them too…
(27) Promises Lyrics video Maverick City Music - YouTube
(27) Jireh | Elevation Worship & Maverick City - YouTube
(27) Jubilee Worship - Atmosphere Shift (feat. Phil Thompson) - YouTube
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